Day 2

LilyRose215: I should love myself even more you know?
LilyRose215: I mean
LilyRose215: I tried so hard to be loved, to make myself prettier, so people would notice me
LilyRose215: but I shouldn't do that
DarrenArr73: Yes, you shouldn't do that
DarrenArr73: What I mean is..
DarrenArr73: You must feel beautiful because you feel that you are, not because somebody says so
LilyRose215: Yeah, I just realized that. Thanks to no-good TV shows, I'm starting to like myself even more
DarrenArr73: lol
LilyRose215: How's Norway?
DarrenArr73: Cold
LilyRose215: hahaha guess that as much. I miss you, you know.
DarrenArr73: lol, miss you too :)
LilyRose215: How's Lorraine?
DarrenArr73: Lo is good. Sleeping rn.
LilyRose215: How's the baby?
DarrenArr73: Sleeping too, I guess. Lo hasn't sleep well since she's pregnant
LilyRose215: My friend is going to be a father :''')
DarrenArr73: :-)
DarrenArr73: How about you, Miss Nobody-Will-Ever-Love-Me?
LilyRose215: hahaha IDK
DarrenArr73: What about that Starbucks guy who asked you on a date? Wasn't he decent?
DarrenArr73: By decent I mean dateable
LilyRose215: IDK, D
LilyRose215: He's nice, I guess, but too... plain, you know?
LilyRose215: Of course I want to be with someone nice, but he's not for me
DarrenArr73: How do you know he's not for you? He could be your soul mate
LilyRose215: I'm independent, D
LilyRose215: He doesn't need a woman like me
LilyRose215: He can only bring me down, D
LilyRose215: I know I will eventually settle down with someone and have kids, like Lo with you
LilyRose215: But... I still have my own dreams and I won't give it up just to be with him
LilyRose215: To put it simply, my dreams worth more than him
LilyRose215: I still haven't found that person who will make me feel loved and worth more than my dreams
LilyRose215: I know you'd prolly say that he PERHAPS worth more than my dreams, people are, but
LilyRose215: Going on a date with him means I will force myself to go to another ones with him
LilyRose215: Eventually we'll start to settle down and get married because I got no option left
LilyRose215: He's the kind of guy that needs a woman who stays at home from the beginning of the marriage. You know I can't do that, I'll drive myself mad
LilyRose215: I still want to have my own job and be able to feed myself
DarrenArr73: I know, dear, trust me I do
DarrenArr73: But give the poor guy a chance
LilyRose215: I gave him some
LilyRose215: Have I told you before? I went out with him?
LilyRose215: We went on a date
LilyRose215: Sure it was fun and cute and all, but the conversation was... null, nothing
LilyRose215: We didn't have anything in common. Not at all.
DarrenArr73: You don't have to have something in common with him
DarrenArr73: Opposite attracts, remember?
LilyRose215: Yes, I know, but it's not opposite anymore
LilyRose215: Our lifestyle doesn't even match
LilyRose215: I don't want to adjust myself to him, to his lifestyle, I honestly don't
LilyRose215: I'm a 21st century woman, D. I have my own needs, wants, dreams and hopes
LilyRose215: I don't want to throw it all around just because of one guy that I prolly won't love
LilyRose215: He's nice, I know. I can fall in love with him. But it's not high school anymore, D
LilyRose215: I want to be in a more serious relationship, where people understand each other
LilyRose215: Not because of lust and some short-lived attraction
DarrenArr73: Can you love him?
LilyRose215: Honestly? No
DarrenArr73: How can you be sure?
LilyRose215: Trust me, I know
DarrenArr73: How can you know
LilyRose215: Because... I think I'm a rebound
LilyRose215: And... you can call me picky all you want, but it's my first relationship ever
LilyRose215: I want to do it right. To be with someone I love completely and loves me back more than anything he ever loved before
LilyRose215: I don't want it because I'm desperate or because people expect me to
LilyRose215: I want it to last
LilyRose215: I want it to be serious, I want him to take me seriously, to take this relationship seriously
LilyRose215: We have different lifestyle
LilyRose215: His father may own Starbucks in this country, but his lifestyle does not speak like he owns the world
LilyRose215: Do you get it?
DarrenArr73: I know. I know. Fine, I won't argue
LilyRose215: I'm tired of waiting, you know?
LilyRose215: I want to have my first date, my shy kisses on the forehead, my sheepish smiles
LilyRose215: My first boyfriend better be goddamn worth it
LilyRose215: I've been waiting for too fucking long
LilyRose215: He has to be a guy with patient for I am right now, waiting for him
DarrenArr73: What if he's waiting for you too?
DarrenArr73: Waiting for you longer than you've been waiting for him
LilyRose215: OMG! I've never thought it that way before
LilyRose215: You are right
LilyRose215: My smart smart friend :''')
DarrenArr73: ;-)
DarrenArr73: lol I have to sleep now, my pregger wife is calling me and Snickers lol
LilyRose215: :-)


I suppose what my best friend said are all true. I should wait. Patiently. Good night sweet world.

Day 1

"Where's my prince." I asked. "Where's my dashing prince that can sweep me off my feet?"
Nobody answered, of course.

It was, as you know it, new year's eve last night. I went out with one of my best girl friends. We dressed up, wore make up (there was a pair of fake eyelashes involved) and of course almost practically drenched ourselves with perfume. We went to a la carte dinner at one of the hip cafés near my house, we had ordered a table for two there. Conveniently and ironically, each women that were to spend their new year's eve there got free silver plastic tiaras, while the men got cute paper-based colourful hats. Coincidentally, neither my best friend nor I had any date last night, making us very, somewhat literally, princesses that were waiting for our "prince charming"s. We talked, did our make up (reapplied lipstick for thousandth times, curled our lashes for hundredth times and relined our eyeliners for umpteenth times), danced a bit (to the music arranged by surprisingly good DJ) and enjoyed the few hours before the end of 2011. It was fun actually. I've spent three new year's eves with her already, I suppose there will be more to come. At roughly 1 a.m. we went back to my flat and talked some more. Even though I ate quite a lot last night, I could not help myself devour some of my home-baked chocolate chip and nut chocolate cookies with some low-fat milk.

My friend talked about her life, about what was going on inside her head currently and what her heart truly wanted, I suppose it's all the same on every girls and women in the world, we all want to be loved or perhaps the idea of that we are loved, the idea that there are people out there who love us. Self-centered and downright egoist, I know. We want to be sure that we are loved, you know? That we are worthy of love, that we are good people. We just want to have that sense of security, a feeling of completeness because you know that you are a good lovable person, that even though you have quirks and all that roughness, you are still beautiful, you are still lovable and loved.

When my friend and I talked last night and I came across an epiphany, it clearly dawned upon me like an umpteen amount of Alaskan water over roaring wildfire. I came to realize that although I've always wanted to have a partner, a confidante, a lover, a boyfriend, it is for my own selfish reasons, I want to have that person because I want to know that I am loved, that I am worthy, not because I want to feel how it feels like to have a boyfriend. I just want him for my own selfish reasons and, perhaps, that reason isn't love.

I've had my share of rough roads and destructive decisions, but I did those alone, I face the consequences of my decision alone, I've faced those demons alone, so in conclusion, I can stand on my own two feet. Sure, sometimes I want to have my solid ground, but for now, I can stand on my own two feet. I want love, but I don't think it's my time to have someone who love me until I learn to fully love myself, to think that I am completely worthy. Because, I am.